I’m not really up for writing a bunch of observations like this, but I’m going to do it anyway. Sort of, like, do it for the sake of doing it, ya know? Most of the time that helps me get through some sort of creative block. Like, I’ll just not want to write any music or ANYTHING at all, but I know if I force myself then I’ll get through. That’s what the New Song Blog is all about. That’s what every iteration of The Talkin’ Headline Blues is all about. That’s also, actually, what these Medicated Artist posts are all about too. Just a simple way to keep working.
Now, enough of that and on to some observations on how the antidepressant medication effected me the first week. Or, how it did or did not effect my writing, music, and all that. Here goes (in list form!):
- Picked up my guitar Sunday night for the first time since I sat down to record this song back on August 26. Here’s how that felt (as a SUB-LIST!):
- After about 20 minutes my hands started to ache.
- My voice has gotten so out of practice since I haven’t performed in like 6 months (or done much of any playing of any kind) that singing for too long kind of hurt.
- I don’t really remember how to play any songs. Mine or any others that I used to know. I just don’t really remember them. I probably don’t really have that great of a memory to begin with, so to learn songs I used to just play them, over and over and over, constantly. Not doing that, they just slip right out of my head.
- Note that the one song that I probably won’t ever forget is this one. Mainly, because I sing it every single night.
- When I did attempt playing a song, usually I got bored with it pretty soon after starting.
- No desire to write anything new.
- But, it did feel good to just sit down and STRUGGLE through a bunch of songs that I thought I still knew. And, surprisingly, struggling through them, relearning them, remembering them wasn’t frustrating at all.
- Now, I don’t chalk any of that up to the medication. Most of it is the cause, probably, of the depression. It’s like digging myself into a hole. I didn’t feel up for music and then, if I did, I was insanely out of practice and got frustrated and quit. So, maybe the drugs helped that aspect out a little. Maybe they just eased it a little bit. Or maybe not. Right now I don’t feel like they’re easing anything like that. I just want to DELETE all this. WHAT’S THE POINT.
- In general, I think I probably didn’t feel like a BIG DRAG all the time. Only sometimes, and maybe not at all. So that was a weird thing to notice. It’s hard to explain. It was just sort of a little easier to get through the day.
- Also, for the most part, sitting down to write, either these blog posts or just free writing with no particular aim, was a little bit less hard to do. No idea if this has anything to do with taking medication or not. (Do you see yet how I OVER ANALYZE?)
- On Monday I wrote the 92nd version in the Talkin’ Headline song series that you can listen to right here. It’s something that I meant to do every week when I first started, but it got harder and harder to keep up with and I’m not really sure why. Those songs are so easy to write. I don’t even have to do anything except go to CNN.com and find headline phrases with words that rhyme. SO EASY.
- I’ll say this: When I sat down to record this tune, I just really did not want to do it. Took all my effort to not just pack it in and go to bed. Somehow I got through that.
- Also, it was sort of strange, or felt strange. Like, I didn’t quite feel like myself or something while I was recording the song. That was kind of weird.
- And then, of course, I took the time to put together this sort-of-critical, over-the-top, why-am-I-doing-this blog post. I understand that even when I think it’s silly or stupid to do these, it’s something to work on and gets me back to writing. I’m willing to risk upsetting my comfort and disturbing my perceived privacy in order to get back to work, ya dig?
So, I stuck pretty close to just talking about how the medication is effecting my creativity. (I think I did that. Did I do that?) So far, I haven’t experienced any of the fears I talked about in my first two posts. That’s something, I suppose. Or, maybe the drugs haven’t even started working yet. Then what? Am I to believe that I don’t even need them? Hmm…