Category Archives: Listen

POTUS COITUS: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #183

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: POTUS COITUS.

POTUS COITUS: The Talkin' Headline Blues #183
POTUS COITUS is defined as using an object of strength and virility to distract from obvious shortcomings.

Removed White House bans voters.
From big controversy you find Trump sex.
Busy brand not fake black.

These are exciting times we live in, amiright?! And to prove it, here are the headlines form this week that I used in this version of the Talkin’ Headline Blues:

Dance Ban: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #182

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Dance Ban.

Dance Ban: The Talkin' Headline Blues #182
Donald Trump, the wrinkly, limp bulge hanging between an old man’s legs, claps his tiny infant-sized hands after announcing his new dance ban.

Super unconstitutional twist spreads to Trump’s organizers.
My group is immigrants.
Deputy doesn’t need apology prayers.

I know this happened like three weeks ago and so much has happened since, but did you catch a glimpse of the first dance at the inauguration? Just watch it. Go ahead, let it sink in.

Now that you’re nice and uncomfortable and never want to dance with anyone ever again, think about how easy it’s going to be for a dance ban to be passed. First you’ll think it’s a joke. “Hahaha, good one, no way, don’t believe it, fake news,” you’ll say. BUT NO. It’ll happen. And why not, right? If the Trump administraion can ban people, why not dancing. Why wouldn’t Don ban something else that obviously makes him so uncomfortable?

And you know what, if a dance ban does happen, that’s okay. Because there’s already an outline of a perfect way to fight it and beat it.

Just like history has always shown, there are ways to beat any ban on anything.

Now the headlines!

Ban It All

Why not just ban everyone and everything? You can’t be safe if you don’t, right? Your chair could break under your weight and you’d fall to the floor and you could get a splinter from the wood in your wrist and that could get infected with some sort of bacteria and then that infection left untreated, because, well, no healthcare, could spread and spread and spread all over every part of your body and then it could become airborne and leak into other peoples’ eye sockets and they’d be infected.

Ban It All
It feels good when there’s no escape, right? RIGHT!?

See what I’m saying. Ban chairs, splinters, bacteria, breathing on other people. Just make it all illegal. Put us all in prison. Build walls around us. Chain us to the roof of a car. Do whatever you have to do. Just don’t let any of us people out into the world. WE ARE DANGEROUS.

Anyway, here’s a song about that.

This new one uses some elements of a couple other songs I’ve recorded (this one and this one), as well as this Woody Guthrie one. It’s nice that I can go back to songs I wrote 7 years ago and just take themes and ideas and update them just a little bit. Takes almost no time or effort on my part. Kind of wish that wasn’t the case, though. Kind of wish I wasn’t updating songs about being left behind and shut out and kicked down and dragged around.

Oh, and if you can’t read between the lines, this song is dedicated to Donald Trump, a piece of rotted chair cushion foam left out in the back alley during a week when it rained for 6 days straight. Fuck that guy and his whole entire administration.