Tag Archives: news

Dance Ban: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #182

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Dance Ban.

Dance Ban: The Talkin' Headline Blues #182
Donald Trump, the wrinkly, limp bulge hanging between an old man’s legs, claps his tiny infant-sized hands after announcing his new dance ban.

Super unconstitutional twist spreads to Trump’s organizers.
My group is immigrants.
Deputy doesn’t need apology prayers.

I know this happened like three weeks ago and so much has happened since, but did you catch a glimpse of the first dance at the inauguration? Just watch it. Go ahead, let it sink in.

Now that you’re nice and uncomfortable and never want to dance with anyone ever again, think about how easy it’s going to be for a dance ban to be passed. First you’ll think it’s a joke. “Hahaha, good one, no way, don’t believe it, fake news,” you’ll say. BUT NO. It’ll happen. And why not, right? If the Trump administraion can ban people, why not dancing. Why wouldn’t Don ban something else that obviously makes him so uncomfortable?

And you know what, if a dance ban does happen, that’s okay. Because there’s already an outline of a perfect way to fight it and beat it.

Just like history has always shown, there are ways to beat any ban on anything.

Now the headlines!

Apocalypse Disallowed: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #181

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Apocalypse Disallowed.

Apocalypse Disallowed: The Talkin' Headline Blues #181
A pair of tiny hands beneath a girthy chin signs an order to allow no further use of the word apocalypse.

5-year-old denies shrunk apocalypse.
Feud leaves history killed.
Who swerves protesters?
A tomorrow that bullied Trump.

It’s time again to do some news headlines as a song. You know why. Before everything and everyone is banned from doing anything or going anywhere. Before every single person is isolated from every other single person and before even the Four Horsemen are told they have the wrong papers, come from the wrong place and worship in the wrong house.

So here are the headlines, from the favorite fake news website of the sagging butt fat who we have to call president, used to record this version:

Oily Limp Picks: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #180

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Oily Limp Picks.

Oily Limp Picks: The Talkin' Headline Blues #180
An old oily limp picks up a medal that he didn’t earn and claims it as his own.

Unarmed poignant outrage.
Conservatives at shark duel.
Blast upset sexist American Olympics.
Virginity means never dead.

Do you have Olympic Fever?! Boy howdy, everyone in my house sure does. My kids like to root for:

  • Whoever is in the lead of a race.
  • Whoever is about to or has just won.
  • Whoever has the outfit that has the colors that they like the best or is most sparkly.
  • Whoever is giving it their best attempt.

Basically they root for everyone. EVEN THE RUSSIANS. Who taught them like that? Don’t they know they’re only supposed to root for AMERICA and only as long as the Americans win a gold medal. Anything but gold is a FAIL.

Anyway, read some headlines is you need to lower your blood pressure form all those second, third and fourth place finishes. Here they are for this week: